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notes from the heartArchive for loss
Hold My Hand
As the shock wears off
like a lifting cloud
the angles emerge
cutting where not allowed
Old wounds revisited
cry out like gulls
and the day tilted sideways
can’t cradle the falls
Downward we sink
where up cannot be
one breath at a time
’til we search and are free
Hold my hand as we crash
along the rocks
singing songs of departure
where eternity knocks
Our survival is there
strung like beads in the sun
just beyond our intention
where we know we’d have won
Hand in hand is our answer
in the abyss where we weep
holding close all we love
holding fast in the deep
Sorrow’s Refrain
Let my knees
nestle
into their worn places
upon this alter.
Smooth hewn grooves
worn by my visits
at the cliffs
over the crying pool.
Strange comfort.
Strange estrangement.
I watch my tears fall,
familiar shapes
too bitter to hold.
Boulders from my eyes…
down down down
falling like black ink.
Rorschach splotches
fetal, splayed, churning, tangled
yearning to find meaning
upon this page
upon this Earth
pounding like sorrow’s refrain
drowning out all sound
drowning.
Words
words
sharing thoughts
the one thing we share
the one thing
that roots
sprouts
revels
thrives
binds us
sustains us
the one thing
you are withholding
so divisive
separated
severed
retreated
withered
torn asunder
with no connection
the only thing we shared
no sharing
words
By and By
I will wander my shores to the places you’ve been
As the gulls they gather and cry.
The sun as it rises shall be my best friend
‘Til I see you again by and by.
With all my heart I’ll long for you
Until the end of time.
We’ll dance and laugh ‘neath skies so blue
And share our love in rhyme.
I’ll follow along where the whispering foam
Kisses each trace of your stride
As each icy wave chills my feet to the bone
And erases your steps in the tide.
In the meadow I’ll watch the grasses gold
‘Til they hint at a form that had lain.
I’ll ease gently down where the blades do fold
And the sweetness of you remains.
With all my heart I’ll long for you
Until the end of time.
We’ll dance and laugh ‘neath skies so blue
And share our love in rhyme.
And if I should find a smoldering coal
I will know that it once burned bright.
For I shall feel the peace of your soul
As you sat in firelight.
With all my heart I’ll long for you
Until the end of time.
We’ll dance and laugh ‘neath skies so blue
And share our love in rhyme.
I will wander my shores to the places you’ve been
As the gulls they gather and cry.
The sun as it sets shall be my best friend
‘Til I see you again by and by.
Left Behind
Looking back
I see you standing on the bank
my yearning arms stretch out to you
but I cannot reach
my heart is ripping out of my chest
I am pulled inexorably forward on a boat
you are left behind
I keep looking back
my eyes fixed on you
disbelief
horror
each mile stretches painfully between us
you stand alone
fading further
where my heart cries to stay
hopeless
unbearable
unbelievable
left behind
I hopelessly watch you slipping away
you look at me
I am pulled from you
severed
further and further
lost to me
ripped from me
gone
left behind
vanishing
you are gone
my life, my love
left behind
abandoned
impossibly gone
shockingly torn from me
left behind
behind
left
cold
sick
lost
Hope’s Lonely Drowning
Waiting…
buoyed against time’s gravity
by your words
“As long as it takes…”
lamplight flickering vigilantly
against night’s fear
Gifts bestowed…
like tiny beads counted
upon rosaries of hope
Kisses shared…
coals of dampened fires
in slumber’s keep
Trust, faith, patience,
sewn like a patches over blind eyes,
lead me to the shore
I stood listening to the voices of angels
their songs delivering me upon wings
my limbs grew numb
I waded into arms that awaited
knowing that my deliverance would come
surely this is my resurrection
Choking down the salty truth
I falter and stumble into the depths
of my own lonely drowning
I see that the one I awaited
has already gone
and I cannot follow
How
How can you see
when you open your eyes
and so much is past
and so much is gone,
how can you see?
How can you sing
in a beautiful voice
when the song nears it’s end
ne’er repeating again,
how can you sing?
When a friend was your life
and their life was so short
their name on your lips
once whispered, now gone
How can you cry
when your tears fall so hard
when your heart rips in two,
how can you cry?
Sadie
Gentle friend
with liquid eyes
that still glisten in my torment…
Why won’t you heal?
Your long tail
still and curved
a beacon
like dancing waves
I wait for it to assure me
Your voice
uttered in humorous
explosions
to cajole
to command
I crave it’s power to comfort
Your patience
is greater than mine.
You must be waiting
for me to heal first
My companion
Friend of friends
I lay on your bed
smelling your scent
long lost
still fresh
My Bed
no longer a place I lay fetal,
where dark retreat in shadowy bleakness
swallows me.
no longer a place
where unending emptiness rips up
the sheets that were once holy marital robes
no longer is it the oversized wreckage
of a ship that has capsized
where I cling to the edge struggling for air.
no longer do I avoid sleeping
on his imprint
reaching into nothingness
that seems too vast to contemplate.
no
it’s finally just a bed
a soft welcoming place
where the middle
feels centered and deserved
where my dreams
float easy
and sleep comes
bearing hope’s treasure
Again and Again
Through water’s surge
I saw a struggling life in the river’s tumult
the sounds of savage pain quickened me
I braved my way in haste to the bank
closer to save the thrashing soul
ne’er to let the drowning icy waters consume again
The dragons of wind and rain
reared up with mighty wailing cries
My heart beating in my chest, I drew my sword
The scene, a swirl of epic tears,
ripped at me like the furies of distant battles.
It called my name with horrific screams again and again
Into the abyss of pain I strode
cursing the torment I could not heal
sorrow upon sorrow for the losses I cannot repair
I reached out to the struggling soul
whose hand flailing above the raging water
sunk into the depths…
I saw it was me drowning there
choking on my own mistakes
crying out for one who would save me.
In the days that came after that drowning
quietude has been my teacher
No one can save any man, lest he save himself first.
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