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notes from the heartArchive for darkness
Words
words
sharing thoughts
the one thing we share
the one thing
that roots
sprouts
revels
thrives
binds us
sustains us
the one thing
you are withholding
so divisive
separated
severed
retreated
withered
torn asunder
with no connection
the only thing we shared
no sharing
words
Lonely Bard
Her heart
beats in time
to funereal drums
The pyre of her love
burns
quiet ritual
of loss
out to sea
again
How many
strains of lamentations
will she write
in one lifetime
words
spill like tears
alkaline white
drying in splotches
In their grief
she listened
now in hers
she sees their
backs
The lonely bard
dips her pen
and finds
her own
solace
Night’s Passage
Rain burst through my dreams
with it’s insistent shushing
I tried to quiet my head
as I laid in my restless bed
but the bedsheets drip with twisted panic
circus ride, this tide that rips me out to sea
Hurl me stormy swells
to the home for which I yearn
where arms around me tight
and sighs in the dark cold night
blanket me securely in my moorings
where feet, with dog’s heat find their anchor
Peace
Icy lips
hushed and puckered
kiss the bleak sky goodnight
Stillness shines upon cheeks
like white rose petals on gossamer skin
Frosted eyelashes
weighed down from the year’s collected worry
now rest easy
Silence collects
blanketed in rows like
stars upon angel wings
Nature curls up
fetal in repose
holding us in chrystaline arms
our shared secrets
whispered
Withdrawal
Injected under my skin the drugs of your passion bring vivid mind blown colors.
Hi flying junky, my arms are riddled with needle marks.
Another and another fix, each delivery not enough.
My greedy body lusts for your scent.
Cut off from your heroin love I am bent over and vomiting in pain.
No food nor drink will stay down my wretched throat.
I was dancing in ecstasy,
now I’m crawling with the roaches eating dirt and coughing up blood.
All my power and all my money was blown on my addiction.
The streets are lined with hollowed out people to whom my hands are outstretched and begging.
I am a wasted hull of a woman without my fix.
My life runs out and flows in sticky pools to the gutter.
Every place I go is scarred by your tracks.
Everyone I meet sees your mask on my face.
Every song I hear is an epitaph for your love.
I shake you and try to get you to answer until my throat is parched and swollen from screaming.
Your pillow is cold in my arms.
My hands are bruised from punching the walls of the dumpster where I crouch.
Let me rot in this filth.
My soul is lifeless and sinks down into the garbage.
Death would ease my suffering now.
I will lay here in this lonely hole with gnawing cravings like the addict that I am:
Begging for just one more taste of you.
Deception
Deception is a weapon
that slices tender feelings
before they take root
Hope runs like frightened children
hiding with hands over eyes
until deception has taken its violating toll
Like a thief, deception steals
the innocent ones
and replaces them with wretches
Like a demon, deception burns
its scars deeply in long clever strokes
that heal hideously
The collected victims of deception
share their stories
and prepare for the next wave of lies
like the coming storm.
Dancing With the Darkness
I don’t want this spell to wear off. There is a certain melancholy that is surrounding me, permeating me, comforting me.
I want to become one with that feeling. I want to fully embrace that darkness and dance with it, to allow it to sing with it’s scratchy voice, and limp free from impairment.
Impairment…Limp free from impairment…to stagger and stumble openly. Feel the pain inside. Feel it sting and bite and burn. Feel it moan and expand. Feel it pound. Feel it leak into the depths. Feel the lightness and hollowness both pounding and lingering.
That pain…good old friend. Olde Fiendes, I know you. I remember your dark sulking presence. How long have you kept still; kept your dusty fiendish mouth so close to me that I could only feel your breath. Waiting without sound until I am…so…close to you…JUST WAITING. I can smell your dark sullen breath, the stech of horror and sickness. Cold and palpable…yet you are not close enough still. Why do you resist me? Why do you torment me and tempt me and not take me? You quiet sulking friend…dance with me!
Seize me and in your awkward grip we will pulse and bend. It’s with hideous delight that I will share this mixed-meter volatile dance with you. You lead, then I will lead. We will both fall, and slink in a furious frenzy.
I am exhilarated and hopeful. I am flying on stealth wings soaring over the mountain tops. I am victorious. I am pure elation. I can scream–I can fly–I can’t be stopped!
Sometimes our dance evaporates. Strange and still. Broken, floating silently on wings that take us over desolate land…over wreckage…over empty death. Sadness is permanently in my breast, and my countenance is dark and brooding. I am alone and we float aimlessly. Updraft, downdraft, empty circles over empty desert…over empty streets…through empty hearts…into empty eyes…Only wind whistling a tedious meandering melody through your black wings…empty hollow deafening silence. You are there and you are not there.
Suddenly, again, we are shaken by jagged ripping movements and meaningless spasms of shifting and jerking. Oh you are such a surprise! Such a thrill! There is no end to the torture and panic flowing from your arms. This is our dance of pain. We relish it’s terrible intoxicating flavor. Hold me close, I don’t want to miss a step. Sudden grief. My blood is shooting through scarlet sprays of horror and crimson shrieks of insanity. My worst nightmare of painful rage bursts from my chest and drenches the universe with garish quarelling blood.
I want to embrace all of the madness. I want to express the humanity of it in some language. Am I too dim witted to use music or dance or art? Am I stuck with this dark brooding soul and no way to share the velvet blackness of it with anyone? Puffy brooding sadness that is too good to waste…Dark slippery cold madness that is too horrible to express… too delicious to pass up…
I don’t want tears… I don’t want screams. I don’t want joy. I only want you my sick, tired, lonely, sullen, silent, sad friend. Stay with me and we’ll dance a little while more…into the night.
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