loridaily

notes from the heart

Archive for friendship

Time for More Pickle Juice

The time has slid by like a phantom
Not just hours or days, but weeks and months
I hadn’t realized that my ability to cope was so good.
I have been tolerating pain, isolation
and the inability to accomplish things
far too well.

Back pain.
No injury to speak of.
Just that cranky stiffness that slowly leads
to more and more immobility, and finally
I have to farm out yard work to dear friends,
and my teeth are grinding a daily rhythm.
Who choreographed this dance
where pain is the companion to the
pandemic isolation order?

My first social gathering was upon me.
A picnic lunch with friends in the front lawn–safely distanced.
This picnic was a loving distraction
which took the shame away from my dependence.
Assistance with yard work I cannot still do,
offered without hesitation by the gentlest souls.
This time I welcomed the help without shame.
I was so lonely I didn’t care about
anything else.
My selfishness knows no boundaries.

Just prior to their arrival, I surveyed my home.
I’d not slept in two days, and I admit I felt blurry at best.
In those hours before they arrived,
the veil lifted, albeit briefly.
I saw the squaller to which I had adjusted.

I saw the unwashed dishes lined up like soldiers
waiting for a good day for me to lean over them with soapy cloth…
I saw the untidy bathroom
with everything handy
in it’s place on the counter, so I didn’t have to risk a painful reach…
I saw the chair in the boudoir draped with clothes
all within reach so that my agony upon dressing was eased in any small way.

My eyes were opened to every overgrown place in my garden
each one frozen in time where my last gallant efforts
had been interrupted by that sentence the entire globe is saying:
I’ll be back as soon as I can do this with less risk.

The back patio was overgrown with grass.
It seemed to dare me with it’s mere height,
as if I could reach it
to pluck it from it’s advancing march.
The chairs at the table were not
a happy gathering
which welcomed guests.
Instead, they were in their last places
since moving them “out of the way” so I could sweep.
How long ago had that been?
No cushions on but for one,
where I had sat in the sun reading the book she gave me.
How long ago had I done that?
I looked again and it seemed
each chair faced in a strange and opposing direction
as if left suddenly by arguing occupants
from a party in another era.

Weeds dug are now drying in piles in the sun
never having been collected.
They stare up at me from places too low to manage.
Tarps are laid here or there for convenient collect & drag spots
and sit empty except for rain water.
Piles of cardboard, once collapsed and carefully stacked
take up a quarter of the garage.
Not under mulch as intended, but now under spider webs
until pain’s passage.
Close the garage door.  I can’t bear the view.

Even the mulch pile has sprouted it’s own garden
having become impatient with my broken promises.
Crops of blackberry vines, shoots of ragweed
large unidentified leaves that certainly
are not veggies
all begin to sprawl like confident squatters
enjoying the nutrient rich provisions of my neglect.

I don’t think getting back to normal
will be anything safe or pain free.
I think it will take huge effort and patience
and the willingness to endure more pain.
But, in the end, life will be unrecognizable
whether it stays in limbo’s safety or not.
My back just went into spasm
it’s time for more pickle juice.

Steward of My Soul

I never found

someone who could

take the pain away from me

—no one but me

I suppose that’s all anyone has

—just them

can I teach myself to be

the steward I need?

Maybe that is why life is so long

The floods come and go

and I am washing stains again

out of the walls

out of the furniture

out of my soul

Am I still a glass half full person?

Where does that water come from

when my cup is empty?

Deep aquifers in the psyche

holding all of the tears that have ever fallen

washing them free of salt

in the minerals of time

Eventually that water rises again

one of God’s miracles

a mystery of existence and grace

blessings of science and faith

tears of strife

eventually become poignant tears

eventually become tears of joy

eventually become tears of laughter

I forget to pray sometimes

He always listens

but I save my burdens until I can’t lift them at all

can I teach myself to let Him be

the steward I need?

Maybe that is why life is so long

Who is the steward now?

It was never me.

Poem for Ember

When rain washes away tears

When a tiny bird sings a song so simple it breaks my heart

When the scent of the earth plumes with richness

I am renewed

Friends bustle with their phones

Work rings off the hook

Cars rush in blurs

but you are always there…

Sometimes silent

sometimes smiling

your voice is gentle and full of smiles

your reassurance is never far

Stuck in a blender I spin

My rollercoaster car sickens me

All of us caught in the tide of exhaustion

Yet we are catapulted into the new day

ready or not

I need the rain to wash away more tears

I need that tiny bird to come to my window

I crave the scent of the earth to fill my nostrils

But until then

your reassurance is here

and I am renewed

Bee

When you say “Bee”

I hear a thousand bells

ring across a lazy valley

as if to wake up even the grass

Intention so sweet

the flowers are jealous

intention so soft

the butterfly blushes in his nakedness

intention so true

the arrow finds it’s mark

into my deepest self

I sit in my temple

unaware that your voice will be catapulted through the fortress of denial

where thick walls have loyally protected me

I sit like an oyster

unaware that you will create my name

in a utterance that moves

like the tine of a fork

into the pink flesh of me

When you say “Bee”

I become

the jubilance of a thousand bells

ringing across a lazy valley

as if to wake up even the grass

Constancy

Your smiles, so radiant

they light my skies 

Will the sun get over his jealousy?

Your arms reach over ocean trenches

like perfect stitch work:

Even and unswerving

…over billowing golden fields 

cradling the grain like sleeping children

…over frothing rapids

petting tiny fishes therein

…over white peaked mountains that touch the clouds

scooping iced treats to cheer

Your affection moves even the earth

to celebrate your kind heart 

Hold My Hand

As the shock wears off
like a lifting cloud
the angles emerge
cutting where not allowed
Old wounds revisited
cry out like gulls
and the day tilted sideways
can’t cradle the falls
Downward we sink 
where up cannot be
one breath at a time 
’til we search and are free
Hold my hand as we crash 
along the rocks 
singing songs of departure
where eternity knocks
Our survival is there 
strung like beads in the sun
just beyond our intention
where we know we’d have won
Hand in hand is our answer
in the abyss where we weep
holding close all we love
holding fast in the deep

The Silver Pond

Into the silver pond I gaze
It’s surface glassy and cool.
I smile and trace my finger there
Across the silken pool.

When I laugh it laughs with me
And gaily do I sing.
Looking down deep it calls to me
This mercurial, wonderous thing.

As I peer into the pond
My reflection is plain to see.
but this image is way more beautiful
Than I could ever be.

I splash and play along the banks
Where the pond and I do meld.
And I know I’ll not e’re fall in
’cause safely I am held.

the Invitation

Laying half covered
down caressing my chin,
I feel the cool ocean breeze
surround me in hushed tones.

My hand holds my dogs paw.
She snuggles against the part of me
the blanket cannot reach.
We breathe as one.

Waves whisper and invite
just beyond my window
where they lull and soothe
this weary traveler.

Drawn up as if through a straw
I slide out of my exhaustion
onto the wind,
leaving my clothes in a pool on the bed.

Circling and diving I join the gulls
in their white feathered tutus.
We dance over moonlit cliffs.

Lighter than air we perform our midnight ballet
in the spaces where the cresting waves
and the stars touch.

I skid across wet sand leaving crescent shapes
that adorn the beach and disappear into the surf.

My soul is renewed in this place of my ancestry.
Fill my lungs with salt spray
and cover me with the particles worn
from my rocky lineage…

I am home. I am free.

Song for Gemini

His watercolor wings
carried me aloft
to ancient places
where heaven
kissed the shores of love
I will sing sweet melodies
for his ears only

Song and the Dragons

Song and the Dragons
Many will not believe what I say to you now.  Know that it is the true story of my birth.

In ancient days, long after the light of Teleperion and Lauralin, the great trees, glowed quietly against the starlit night, a new age came forth:  The age of the dragons when the skies pulsed with the wing beats of fire breathing noble giants;  the age of the Noldor Elves, tall and swift footed and fearless warriors in the deep forests;  the age of the Teleri Elves whose swan boats moved smoothly in the salty sea where they sang to the surf;  the age of the Orcs, whose ugliness and terror was feared above all creatures of the land and of the sea.

The Great Purple Dragon Mage chose his mate late in life, but the elegant Water Dragoness was lithe and graceful.  He had never beheld a dragoness more beautiful than she.  In flight she glowed and shimmered in alabaster and abalone colors.  Like a wisp of light she resembled a giant sparkling swan against the sunlit sky.  By the light of the moon she was iridescent blue like ghosts.  The sound of her wings was like the singing of bow against string.  Just as the sun began to wane in the season, she had readied her nest in a crisp cave high in the icy south eastern mountains.

Water Dragon had laid only one sparkling egg and nestled it in rare aquamarine gems and gold thread.  An ancient dragon, she licked the egg gently, and knew it would be her only offspring.  She chose the ledge well, and knew it was safely hidden in the clouds from predators.

Orcs had decimated the village in the valley and began to move up the mountains to the craggy knolls that were often snowy and obscured by cloud cover.  They left a trail of bloody carcasses in their wake.  Half eaten cattle, wildabeest strewn, headless and gored out.  Nothing was safe from their vicious destruction, neither man nor beast.  Higher they climbed, towards the ice lands. The hunt was on for juicier prey.

It was deep into the birch wood beyond where the mighty river poured into the icy sea off the west coast of Edhelmar, and beyond the diagonal cut of the banks leading to the headwaters, it was that the Teleri Healer, Estel, had started her journey.  She had collected coastal herbs and kelp and now dug beneath spicy cypress for truffles and roots. As she dug in the rich soil she felt the kicking of her unborn and she paused to caress her belly. “Be sure, my Song, my little Surf-Singer, you shall find your time to let your voice be heard” she whispered to her unborn.

She strayed deeper into the wood, collecting shoots, mosses and rare bark specimen.  The summer had been good to the valley.  Away from her shores more than 2 weeks travel would not be entirely safe, considering how far along she was, but her stores had been so depleted in the winter she simply could not wait any longer.  Her responsibility for gathering herbs was great, but too was her hope. Though with child, her strength was full, and her focus unimpaired.  This babe was coming, and she had work to do.

Breaking through her concentration she had caught whiff of the fetid smell of Orcs on the wind and it brought a queer shiver to her making her nauseated.  She adjusted her route to where she was downwind of their stench and she could monitor them and stay undetected.  Another few weeks of this invisible and strenuous hiking drove her further to the southeast than she had wished. Now she found herself forced to climb into the highest mountain pass into dragon territory.  This was not what she had planned at all.

Camping in the open worried her most.  Estel climbed to an outcropping of rock with a good vantage point of the valley below, hoping to rest.  She had found a cave in the side of the rock and knew by the smell inside it had been a nesting site for a very large animal. Perhaps even a dragon.

She felt the disturbance in her belly more and more frequent.  Her body was wracked with pain and she knew she had no choice but to risk staying at the opening of the cave for fear that, in her exhaustion, she might be over taken by something much more hideous, and worse that her child would not wait any longer.

Late in the night, the healer laid herbs and kelp down and in the crisp air illuminated by the full moon. Estel began an earnest prayer of respect and desperation…  “Oh great dragons who fill the sky, oh mighty beasts of honor and beauty, please allow sanctuary for my unborn in this place of your dwelling, I would not ask this of you, but I am without choice.”

Her dreams were full of torment and screams, of ugly grimacing faces with horrid eyes, of torn flesh and grotesque hands tearing at her unborn child.  She awoke with alarm. She heard the Orcs in the distance.

Down the trail she could see them by moonlight.  A group of some two dozen hunched, pasty and grotesque shapes with clubs and torches prowled her way.  She scrambled to her feet and slipped ahead of them into the rocky cliffs–her only escape.  Climbing down from the precipice she planned to lead her predators down the side of the mountain–if she could, where she might lose them in the river. She remained out of view and moved swiftly and silently.  Her pain came in waves and blood began to trickle down her thighs.  Were they more excited in their grunting or did she imagine it?  They were nearly on her.

She could see no possible escape ahead of her, so she struggled to climb into a scraggly tree where she would have to wait, bow ready. She pulled from her satchel some bitter and poisonous herbs and smeared them on the tips of all of her arrows.  Her hope was in her throat.

The fates were against her and she felt the tearing pain of childbirth begin in her belly.  Her dire situation now impossible, she shot off her arrows carefully one by one.  She watched to see one, then a second Orc scream with it’s terrible voice and drop.  They broke into two groups, one above her, one below.  They started the trees on fire forcing her to withdraw and take to the rocks.

She gripped the edges of the cliff face and kept moving lower down the sheer face from precipice to precipice.  The extra weight of her unborn seemed like rocks in her pack.  Her hands bloody and aching began to give way.  She moved her weight more over her feet desperate not to be over taken by her nightmares come to life.

Suddenly the ledge broke away and she fell.  It seemed in slow motion. Her prayers to the great one left her lips, not for her life,  but for her child inside her whose impatience to come seemed not to be reconciled with the timing of her mother’s doom.  All she heard was the wind.  Blue ribbons of magic like ghosts chased her and called out to her with beautiful music. Like the shells of the sea they sang “Come home, come home”.

The enormous talons of a foot too large to be anything but dragon flexed and grew still.  The enormous beast had been awakened by the sound of the dark haired elf female as she lead the horrible Orcs down the crevasse away from her clutch.  Her great eye had watched the pitiful being fall from her perch.  The Water Dragoness took to flight, her alabaster wings opening across the night like angels, like demons.

The Orcs sent fiery torches into the air catapulted with speed.  The Water Dragoness dodged and spun to avoid them.  The Orcs launched giant boulders into the sky at the graceful dragon.  She was hit again and again.  One wing broken in three places she glided and spun downward.  The graceful swan-like dragon, now wounded and bloody, wrapped her working wing around the elf as they both fell.  The Water Dragoness and the Telerin Elf locked eyes in one moment as the two of them careened ever towards the rocky bank of the river.  One moment of knowing. Two lives became inextricably intertwined.

The great dragoness managed to soften their landing on the slate bank of the river below and pulled herself up to her towering height and thundered out a terrible cry.  She blew fiery jets towards the first of the Orcs as they closed in on them.  Water Dragoness expelled furious plumes of fire through her teeth.  The inferno scorched Orc flesh as it hit them.  The air smelled of boars on a spit. Her exhaled breath ignited all around her with blazing light.   Water Dragoness screamed and growled, burnt and maimed until she could barely breathe.  She used her last energies to gore and crush the last of the Orcs to reach where the two bloody mother’s-to-be laid.   Crushed bodies and burned flesh was all that remained.

Smoke plumed in circles from each nostril as the limp giant sniffed at the fallen Elf.  There was much blood. She drew closer and listened with her keenest detection to the fallen Elf.  Life still moved from within the belly of the dead one.  She was immediately moved to tears. This Elf had drawn the Orc from her egg–her only offspring.  Her dragon heart became swollen with grief for the infant Elf who now had no mother.  Grief for the beautiful baby dragon in the sparkling egg hidden in spun gold who would never know it’s dragoness mother. Her great eyes flowed with giant dragon tears.  The salty viscous tears fell upon the limp Elven mother.  Water Dragoness cried over the fallen and cried for their kin.  Her tears landed where the babe was to take it’s place into this terrible world. The magical dragon tears drew the tiny elven babe out of the birth canal in a wondrous act of mercy.  It lay wiggling and glistening in the sparkling afterbirth, so full of life in a scene so full of death.

*****
Purple Dragon Mage told me this story as often as I would ask him.  “Mighty Mage, where is my mother?”  He would lick my face clean and coax my smile.  “Your mother is with my beautiful Water Dragoness beyond the sea in the land where music dances upon the waves like swans.”  “Mighty Mage, are you my father now?”  He tucked her into his left wing softly as the moonlight came from behind the clouds, “Yes, my Song, my little surf-singer, I am your Father now, and your dragon brother Ember is waiting to play with you”.